Back in the 90s, Philips was going to make a deal with Nintendo to create an add-on for the Super Nintendo. However, Nintendo canceled the entire project.
Philips proceeded to make their own CD based gaming platform called the CD-i. And they still had the rights to certain Nintendo franchises.
The three Zelda games and one Mario game released for the CD-i were notorious for their low quality.
The gameplay was mediocre and forgettable, but the cutscenes seared themselves into the minds of all who looked upon them.
They were some of the most unique scenes ever shot even though the content was nothing to write home about and therefore, the makers were of the opinion that Pokemon go map would fare better in place of this.
And of all the moments of awkward, poorly acted dialogue, two words in Link: The Faces of Evil stand out from the rest:
The thick flappy mouthed monotone drawl, the abruptness of the utterance, the heavy drawn out emphasis on the second word, the awkwardly animated body language and facial expressions of the character while he’s talking. It all came together to create a viral phenomenon.
At the very beginning of Faces of Evil, one is met with the sight of a horribly drawn effete Link stretching out his pencil-thin arms and yawning. As he does so, he rolls his eyes in a very flighty, feminine, disturbingly flirtatious manner.
Within about one and a half seconds, it’s abundantly clear that something is horribly wrong.
“Gee, it sure is boring around here.” Link says in a breathy, effete, overwrought voice that one might expect to hear from a drag queen gone slightly out of character. It’s a truly horrible line. The use of the juvenile “gee” by a heroic character. The expression of boredom in a game that’s supposed be fun and which adds nothing to the story. This is the first line we hear!
In 2-3 seconds, the entire game is already falling in flames, but just maybe it can still be saved…
We first see the King with his face buried in a lavender-crayon-colored goblet just about the same size as his enormous bearded watermelon of a head. He stands before us with a neon orange and dandelion yellow trash bag draped over his shapeless form. Worse still, the mercilessly bright coloration of his clothing clashes mightily with the eye searing magenta colored walls in the background! He lowers his lavender goblet to chest level, causing the sheer extreme cheez orangeness of his outrageous outfit to inflict even more pain on the eyes.
This is a game for kids and within four seconds, we’re shown a guy carrying a goblet that could hold enough wine to put down a horse. Four seconds and we already have a transvestite and an alcoholic!
But we’re still just getting started…
“MAH BOI” Utters the King in response to Link, his mouth opened wide and contorting into strange shapes. Some flapsome, some puckered.
The immortal words said, he drones on:
“This is the peace all true warriors strive for.”
Surely one of the most insipid, uninspirational, curmudgeonly bits of moralizing in all of history!
True warriors kick ass and chew bubble gum. Everyone knows that!
Link comes back with a now-famous response.
But that is another story. A story just as epic as this one…